Doo doo-doo-doo doo doo
Billy Dilley,
We're subterranean
Billy Dilley
- ALL: (SCREAMING) - You're such a brainy kid
Billy Dilley
It's fascinating how
Billy Dilley
It's complicated now
Billy Dilley, situation critical
Billy Dilley, I hope it's fixable
Billy Dilley
Oh oh-oh-oh-oh ooooh
Billy Dilley
(PANTING) Zeke, guess what.
You fell into a thorn bush again?
Yeah. You know those purple spiky ones
with all those shiny leaves that kinda curve up like this
- and this and this? - Yeah.
Well, it wasn't one of those.
It was this green one,
with kind of a blue spiky thing on top.
And I didn't so much fall into it. It was more of a trip... (GROANS)
and then a bounce, and then a twirl,
- and... - (GROANS)
Kinda like that.
Hey, guys, I didn't expect you to be in here.
We're trapped 3,000 miles beneath the Earth's crust.
- So? - So where else would we be?
- Very funny, Zeke. - Was it?
Hey, Billy. (GASPS)
Did you fall into a thorn bush again?
Yeah, only this one was more of a shrub.
- And... - (SIGHS)
Zeke, wait.
Feast your sensory organs on this.
It's the most fascinating mold specimen I've encountered
since we've been stranded down here.
I'm thinking of calling it Moldimus Fascinatingus.
I'd call it the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life.
Time to go analyze this puppy, and find out what she's made of. (GRUNTS)
But first, lunch.
Marsha, you barely touched your lichen sandwich.
Don't you lichen it?
What? I guess I'm just a little distracted.
- Yeah. By what? - Greg Hastings. (SQUEALS)
Who's Greg Hastings?
He's only the awesomest, most far-out boy ever.
And he's taking me on a date tonight.
- A date? - (XYLOPHONE RATTLES)
Tonight?
- Taking? - On?
Ever?
It was one year ago at summer camp.
Oh, Gregory,
will I ever see you again?
When the moon is full and the time is right,
we will dine by candlelight.
(BUS ENGINE REVS UP)
But when?
One year from next Tuesday.
Is that counting holidays?
GREG: All except Columbus Day.
And that's why tonight's gonna be the most magical night
- of my life. - I'll say.
That'll be a real magic trick for Greg to show up down here.
- You don't know how he feels about me. - Don't worry, Marsha.
Anaximander could always take you out. (WHISTLES)
(SNORES)
(WHISTLING CONTINUES)
Isn't he adorable?
(GRUNTS)
- Well, technically, Greg could show up. - Really?
He would just have to rearrange his atoms,
and launch them here using some kind of photon-electroid beam.
He would probably show up inside out, but...
(CRYING) I get it, okay?
I'm never gonna see Greg Hastings again!
Were you gonna eat that other sandwich?
I don't get it, Zeke.
I've never seen Marsha this upset.
Well, she's got her heart set on having a date. What can we do?
I don't know, Zeke.
But you and I are gonna make sure Marsha keeps her date tonight
with Greg Hastings.
- There's only one problem. - (SODA HISSES)
- What's that? - Greg Hastings.
(SIGHS) You're right. Wait a minute.
Maybe we don't need the real Greg Hastings.
Hey, don't look at me.
I'm not. I'm looking in that swamp behind you.
- (BUZZING) - (GULPS)
(BURPS)
Mud men.
The mud men are timid and unpredictable.
If we want their help, we'll need a strategic approach.
- Hey, you guys like soda? - (SODA POPS)
ALL: (GASPS)
(GARGLING)
Fascinating.
And now, the final touch.
(BEEPS)
Billy, I told you I...
(GASPS) Greg Hastings?
- Is it really you? - (CLEARS THROAT)
My lady, your limousine awaits.
But I'm not even dressed yet.
Okay, I'm dressed.
(WHIPS)
MARSHA: (GASPS) Greg, look.
The moon is even full.
Just like my heart.
My name is Billy, and I'll be taking care of you this evening.
Can I start you two off with maybe a strawberry stalagmite lemonade,
or cave truffle artichoke dip?
Whatever Greg wants.
- (BURPS) - (BUZZING)
An excellent choice.
Order up.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Hey, Billy, what...
You call this a souffle?
Well, that was table one. They had the cave truffle rolls...
Don't get cute with me, mister.
This is a fine dining establishment, not a comedy club.
Do it again!
Billy, what are you doing, man? That food was beautiful.
Why don't you take care of the mood, and I'll take care of the food?
That's what I wanna see, Zeke. The passion.
Put that fire in the food.
- Uh-oh. - (BURPS)
Greg, you must be starving. What's taking the food so long?
Waiter!
Zeke, how we doing on table one?
Walking right now. Protein on the right.
Billy, wait. Garnish.
Oh, yeah. Good idea. (GROANS)
And one for you.
Enjoy your meal.
Oh, Greg, this night couldn't be more magical.
You're right, Greg.
(SQUEAKING)
I'm not hungry either.
Well, Zeke, it looks like we pulled it off.
(HISSING AND CRACKLING)
BOTH: Uh...
Where did you say you found that moon again?
There's some weird, giant, nest-like thingy.
Oh, okay.
(SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS)
I suggest we take a more strategic position.
Good idea. Run!
Billy!
Such a beautiful specimen.
Never seen such magnificent scale structure.
(GASPS AND GROANS)
- I thought you were gonna catch him. - I thought you were gonna catch him.
Run, run, run away Catch me if you can
Zeke, Marsha.
(GRUNTS) That buzzard's about to see a side of Billy Dilley
he's gonna wish he hadn't.
- Hi-yah! - (WHIPS)
Oh! (GROANS)
(SCREECHING)
(GROANS AND GASPS)
(TEETH CHATTER)
No! (GRUNTS)
Whoa! (GROANING)
- Not so fast. - BOTH: Billy!
All Marsha wanted was a romantic, once-in-a-lifetime dream date
and... and... and I tried to give it to her.
But it turns out, you can't manufacture love.
Not out of mud, meddling, or giant pterodactyl eggs.
(SNIFFLING)
So if you're gonna eat anyone, eat me.
Besides, I probably taste much better anyway.
Especially this section right here, right back here. You see that marbling?
There's enough to go around, guys, if you...
I only have one last request.
And that's to bequeath my beloved mold specimen
to my best friends, Zeke and Marsha.
Who knows what strange properties this beauty may hold?
- It very well may... - (SCREECHING)
(GULPS AND SIGHS)
- Billy! - Billy!
Fascinating.
Beep!
MARSHA: Wow!
(CHIRPING)
This is the awesomest, most far-out pet ever.
- Just like Greg Hastings? - Just like you guys.
And all it took to figure that out was for Billy to be eaten alive.
ALL: (LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
Just one question, Billy.
How did you know the mold makes things shrink?
I didn't, but further analysis
reveals the effects are only temporary.
What further analysis?
(SCREECHING)
Fascinating.
(GRUNTS)
Nice try, Billy boy, but watch and learn.
I will not let my photographic memory go to waste now, Zeke.
(IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFFS)
Zeke shot!
Whoa! In your face, Billy.
By Tesla's monogrammed underwear, I'll never beat you, Zeke.
Cheer up, Billy. At least you're losing to the best.
- Just keep trying. - You're right, Zeke.
What if Schlomo Seedman had given up?
(SIGHS) I'll regret asking this, but who is Schlomo Seedman?
I'm glad you asked, Zeke.
Schlomo Seedman was a condiment inventor.
An uninspired and failed condiment inventor.
No matter what he tried, everything he touched
turned to mayonnaise.
He was an abject failure, until one day, someone special
flipped a switch in his brain, inspiring him,
thus unleashing a veritable tsunami of creativity.
- of creativity. - (OBJECTS CLATTERING)
BILLY: And in his frenzy,
he created the greatest condiment of all time.
- Mustard, right? - Wrong, Zekie-poo.
It was delicious golden mustard.
Of course it was.
- Rematch, Zeke? - Beating you never does get old, Billy.
But I need some fresh blood. Real competition.
But we're trapped 3,000 miles beneath the Earth's crust,
so I guess I'm outta luck.
If you want some competition, why don't you just ask our neighbors?
Zeke, meet Troglodyticus Erectus.
Or as I like to call them, Troggies.
ALL: Troggies.
- Troggies? - Look, Zeke,
they're conveniently enjoying some light competition.
Hey, that looks just like Zeke Ball.
I'm about to show these fur balls who's boss. (LAUGHS)
Now you guys have never seen the likes of a Zeke before,
so I won't be offended if you cover your eyes
to not be blinded by my excellence.
(IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF) Zeke shot!
Wow, must be a new record.
I doubt if anyone in the history of all Troggies
would be able to beat that.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(MUD SPLATS)
- I think he beat you, Zeke. - Maybe this time, Billy,
but we will beat these Troggies, one way or another.
Yeah! Beat that, Troggies.
(HOOTING)
Don't give up, Zeke. (PANTING)
- (THUD) - (GRUNTING)
BILLY: You're doing great, Zeke.
You got 'em right where you want 'em.
(TIMER DINGS)
Victory is served.
(HISSES)
- (BIN SQUEAKS) - (THUDS)
Zeke, maybe you should've added some garlic.
(GASPS AND SNEEZES)
Twelve spaces. Beat that.
(GASPS)
(CHEWS)
(SPUTTERS)
(HOOTS)
(CHEERING)
Fascinating.
Okay, you're good at BMX, Hackey Bag, cooking and Candy Time.
How about a Zeke look-alike contest?
- TROGGIE: (GROWLS) - (GASPS)
(CHEERS)
- (MUMBLING) - Ugh! That's it!
Stupid Troggies.
- At least you're losing to the best. - ZEKE: (MUMBLING)
(GROANS)
Gosh, Zeke, are you okay?
No, Billy, I'm not.
Those Troggies put that stuff there on purpose.
They knew I'd trip over it, and now they're all laughing at me.
Just look at 'em over there.
I don't know, Zeke. I think if they were trying to prank us,
they'd set it up more like this.
Whoa! (GROANS)
(GIGGLES)
Or like this. (GROANS AND GIGGLES)
Wait. What did you just say, Billy?
Oh, um... (LAUGHS)
- Not that. - Wow. Oof.
- Before that, Billy. - Uh... uh, I don't know, Zeke.
- After that. - They set it up more like this.
- Back a little. - Prank us?
Prank us. Yes! Billy, that's it!
That's how we'll beat those Troggies.
I'll prank them with the greatest prank in Subterannea-Tania history.
So what is the greatest prank in Subterannea-Tania history?
Uh, I don't know, but I do know who does know.
Mikey McMannus here. Master prankster.
- Pleased to meet you, Zeke. - (IMITATES FART)
Okay, I'm desperate. I'll take it where I can get it.
Let's start with the classics.
The tried and true.
The old classic vomit gag.
- (IMITATES FARTING AND SIGHS) - Too crass.
- Dollar tied to a string? - Pass.
- Black gum. - Yawn.
- Stink in a can. - Really?
Chattering teeth? Big, hairy spider? A 1959 Joyco hand buzzer.
From an age when electrocution was hilarious!
- (GRUNTS) No, Mikey. - (THUDS)
Billy, that's just...
- just plain mustard. - It is?
- What we need is delicious golden mustard. - We do?
I'm gonna flip your Schlomo Seedman switch,
and you're gonna use your imagination to create the biggest, baddest prank
that Subterannea-Tania has ever witnessed.
Click. Now close your eyes, Billy.
Can you see it, Billy? Can you see the prank, Billy?
I can see it, Zeke.
I can see it! (GROANS)
Billy, you can open your eyes first.
That'll make inventing so much easier.
All right, Zeke, get ready to have your pants blown clean off.
Here we go.
Here we go!
Ta-da!
Fire this puppy up, and get this prankin' show on the road.
We'll finally beat those dumb Troggies,
once and for all.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(WHISPERS) All they have to do is pull that doughnut, and off they'll go.
Moments away from victory.
- (GASPS AND LAUGHS) - What?
- (AWES) - ZEKE: Don't play with it.
Here. You just grab the doughnut and pull.
- (MACHINE RATTLING AND WHIRRING) - I hate you guys.
Let me guess. Here comes the egg cannon,
followed by fake ice cubes with bugs in 'em.
Oh, look, a nice flower. (SPUTTERS)
(LAUGHS) Who's the dummy now, Zeke?
(LAUGHING)
All right, all right, I'm done, let me off.
- Zeke, don't stand up. - (LAUGHING)
BILLY: There's a built-in de-pantser.
Poor Zeke.
Oh, look at the prank cam.
(GROANS) Okay. (GROANS) Time for the fish... (GROANS)
...flap... (GROANS) ...and slap. (GROANS)
(GARGLES AND SPUTTERS)
Yuck. Billy, thank goodness. You gotta get me outta here, man.
- Bleep. - What the...
(ROBOT RATTLES)
Lemon meringue.
The cruelest pie of them all.
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
- (WHIRRING) - (GROANS)
(SCREAMS) The permanent perm of shame.
(SCREAMS AND GROANS)
Egads.
The wall of glue.
I could really use a hand getting out of this mess.
- (GROANS) Not what I meant. - (CLOTH RIPPING)
Whoa! No! No!
The vortex of despair! (SCREAMING)
- (COMMODE CLOGGING) - KYLE: (SPUTTERS)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS) Whatever comes next can't be worse than that.
Come on. Not the cathedral of 1,000 whoopee cushions.
- (YELLING) - (WHOOPEE CUSHION BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Nine-hundred-ninety-eight, nine-hundred-ninety-nine.
- ZEKE: (SCREAMING) - One thousand.
- Oh, Zeke! - ZEKE: (GROANING)
Zeke, Zeke, speak to me.
I knew I used too much plastic vomit.
Darn my schlo-mentum!
- (GASPING) - (GROANS)
Thanks, Troggies. Such good sports.
- (BUZZING) - (GROANING)
ALL: (LAUGHING)
Oh. Oh, man, Billy. They even out-pranked me.
Mark that scorecard with another big, fat zero.
Guess I'll never beat these Troggies at anything.
- No, I'm not so sure about that, Zeke. - What?
According to my final calculations, you did beat the Troggies.
- I did? - Yes.
- (SCRIBBLING) - At losing.
Zeke, you lost every single time.
So I did beat them at losing.
- Yes! - Yes!
- In your face, Troggies! - ALL: Troggies.
(LAUGHS) Yes!
- We won, we won! - (CHEERS) Yeah! Yeah!
(CHEERING AND YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
Whoo-hoo!
In your, um, facial vicinity.
Yep, looks like another big loss for me.
Sorry, Zeke, but when you got, you got it.
And when I say you got it, I actually mean I got it.
But you've got it, too, so we both got it.
I got it, you got it, I got it.
I said you've got the wrong number
For the right guy
I'll do the job for you
Just pay the price
Run, run, run away
Baby, stick to the plan Whoo, whoo
Run, run, run away
Catch me if you can